The best part of my vacation
wasn't the luxurious hotel lobby
or discovering that I could fit neatly in the closet.
Not the delicious Italian dinner
or scrubbing your body in the tub.
Even the sauna's enveloping warmth
didn't match the feeling
of just looking at you,
holding you,
and waking up at your side.

Acceptance by louise

Acceptance of ones desires and fantasies and the need to take these things out of the fantasy world and into reality is something most of us have dealt with on one level or another. Similarly acceptance of oneself as you admit these needs to yourself, and perhaps someday admit to another. I've heard some say that this struggle kept them from finding the BDSM community and ultimately themselves for many years.

I will not pretend to have anything close to a solution or answer for anyone on this. We each have our own paths to discover and follow, and the ways that work for me are mine alone. I do believe however, that by sharing my experience others may smile and remember their own, and others yet will be able to grasp their own reins and move forward.

The disgusting, horrendous, unthinkable fantasy that I have had is a rape fantasy. How can I want something that brings terror and vulnerability to women all over? Oh what would the women's libbers think of me? What am I asking of my partner? How can I talk of this aloud? I'm going to take a few steps into the past to describe the metamorphosis of these desires within me.

My memory tells me that I was 9 or 10, early enough for me to not feel a paralyzing shame for my desires. Society had taught me enough though, to not talk about it with mom. I was staying with a relative I would visit often. The significance of this is that uniquely during these trips I had my own bedroom. Alone and long after others were asleep, I would act out small fantasies of being kidnapped and taken somewhere strange and scary. I'd lay in bed then and envision things being forced upon me (intercourse was not yet involved). I would fall to sleep dreaming of being taken under someone's control and desires. These occasional fantasies continued through most of my childhood growing some as my innocence shrank.

Let us fast forward to my late teens. I'd been sexually active a number of years at this point. Through these years, I was always searching for fulfillment and satisfaction. This I was unable to find. I had put my early fantasies in a dark corner. This continued until a fortuitous meeting with one who would ultimately teach me much about myself. We met on military duty, and got to know one another while stationed on a boring post. During one of our many 24-hour assignments we decided to take turns sharing sexual experiences of the past and fantasies of the future. The banter back and forth revealed some delicious wants on his part, and allowed me comfort to re-explore my early fantasies. By this time in my life, I knew that my desires were dirty, wrong, and certainly should not be vocalized. On this remote post though, I found a comfort zone and for the first time said it out loud. I wanted to act out a rape scene. There I did it - I felt alive, free, and extremely vulnerable. I found my voice for a time, but I still had much to learn about life and myself before realizing my fantasies.

Let us fast forward again. In order to maintain some semblance of anonymity, I cannot describe in great detail some of these times. I will say though, that a good friend and I together took the steps beyond reading "The Story of O". When my Master and I began this part of our lives we sat down with the ever-familiar desire checklist. At this point, I could definitely check off 'rape fantasy' from a list. I still had a hard time though, vocalizing exactly what I wanted and to what extent I needed this.

The steps came slowly - I equate the first as a squeak followed by a whisper - step by step on its way to a shout. With eyes turned down, I spoke to a woman friend about my desires. I couldn't believe it! She didn't scold or scoff at me - she actually whispered back a common desire! My voice became a bit louder and I could talk about it more comfortably. Master and I revisited the subject (mmm…and revisited and revisited).

Time and again in this lifestyle I've laid my heart out on the table for folks to see. Time and again the folks around me cherished this that I offered.

It has taken 10 years (some of the old timers may scoff at this short time) to find my voice and the ears to hear me. I've been scared at times, vulnerable at times, and liberated many many times. The secret box I tucked away in the back of a closet has been pulled out, dusted off, and even polished. I may not display this in the middle of my living room, but if you are invited into the dungeon you may appreciate its beauty!

On the road to relaxation, Masochism.
by tim

Groaning now, I'm stiff and sore.
I'm tired, wasted, broken, worn.
My body screams in writhing pain
Another uneventful day has passed with little to show and little gained.

I close my eyes, and to ease my plight
Of the throbbing aches from vanilla life.
I dream again of the soft sweet bliss
Of the thudding fall with its succulent hum and the biting strike with its soulful hiss.

Oh, my sweet surrender it lovingly brings
What soothing caresses make my heart to sing.
I pant and I writhe in my tender grace
Falling deeper, and deeper, enhancing entrancement the quicker the pace.

And I move, and I tug,
Bite my teeth through the rug,
And I pull and I pry
And I sing to the sky, more, more, I need more, lest I die.

Give it now, I must scream
Ripped apart at the seam.
Yet in calmness I climb,
Though I gnaw, and I growl, grunt, pant, and scowl, I am free, I am free, succulently sublime.

Flushed floating I rise
Burning hot on twixt my thighs.
My backside ablaze,
I scream out in relief, my mind finally clearing the haze.

And I beg for it more,
For the lava to o'er pour
Hit me harder, harder now,
Give me what I avow, take, shake, and break me, I need release NOW!

And just as I'd begun to wonder,
It comes now as thunder,
The blows like a bear,
Tearing up my flesh, ripping me to shreds, and at last allowing me to share…

In calm, in peace.
In tender release.
My breathing subsides,
And I thank God that in un-vanilla bliss I can once again reside.

Thanks to those who have submitted for this newsletter, we would not have it otherwise. We are always looking for fiction, non-fiction, poetry, artwork, and anything else your creative imaginations connive.
Please submit your works to renity@tds.net by the Wednesday prior to our monthly meeting. I prefer works in Word formatted into two columns. I will not change any of your material, but ask that you do not use other people's names without express permission. Submit ads and suggestions to the above email address.